we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
