Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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