I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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