wakey wakey hands off snakey
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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