This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
