Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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