If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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