Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
