life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
