Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
