hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
