I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
