guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My ass is underappreciated
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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