dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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