just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
