I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
