I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
