For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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