well I can't set my house on fire every night
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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