I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
