last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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