My Higher Power is John Stamos
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
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I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
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I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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