I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
