You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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