she looked like the before picture.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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