Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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