you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
