somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
