i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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