i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
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Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
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Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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