dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I can tuck mytits in my pants
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
