Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
