He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
