1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
