sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
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Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
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The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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