I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
a search helicopter?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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