if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
