we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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