remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
