It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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