i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
