sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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