Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
