First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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