Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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