Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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