He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
