i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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