ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
