I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Dating After Heartbreak
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.