I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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