party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize
