woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
