I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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