all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
