When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
